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DuFF
Basically decided to make a thread about JOKES !!!! lol,

Post ur fav jokes in here, 1 post per joke please so people can read the jokes easily. smile.gif

i'll go first :

A jelly baby goes to the STD clinic, and complains to the doctor of having a really bad rash around his genitals.

The doctor asks him to go around the back of the curtains so that he can inspect him further.

The doctor joins him, and begins to inspect the area of concern.

"Oh my word, it appears that you have some form of desiccant coconut and pink and blue bobbles all over your genitals.. what the hell have you been upto??" asked the doctor.

The jelly baby looks all ashamed, "I've been fucking allsorts!"

add some jokes biatches
acidxdropper
heres one courtesy of Pulp Fiction

3 tomatoes are walking down a street. papa tomato, moma tomato, and baby tomato. baby tomato begins to fall behind and papa tomato gets mad. papa tomoato goes back to baby tomato, squishes him, and says "catch up"
Poofy
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Viva_La_BAD
QUOTE(Poofy @ Mar 16 2006, 03:46 PM) [snapback]594[/snapback]
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are known as Viva_La_Bad don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up


Fuck you poof a loop!
Poofy
There?s a shipwreck and only two men and a woman survive. They get washed up on an idyllic, but uninhabited desert island with next to no hope of rescue.

Eventually nature takes its course and both men begin a physical relationship with the woman. Love is in the air and all is well until she is suddenly taken ill and dies.

After a while sexual frustration gets to the men and once again nature takes its inevitable course.

Well, some months pass and what the men are doing begins to play on their minds. They become sickened and disgusted by what they are doing.

So they bury her again.
Viva_La_BAD
LOL OMG GOOD ONE! ROFLROFL

LOLZ joke websites ftw!

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."
Poofy
Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!"
acidxdropper
when i called your dad a faggot, he hit me with his purse
Viva_La_BAD
QUOTE(Poofy @ Mar 16 2006, 06:07 PM) [snapback]603[/snapback]
Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!"



LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."
Poofy
QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 16 2006, 11:45 PM) [snapback]605[/snapback]
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


OMFG AHAHAHHAHAHAH


Okay, so there's this bus full of ugly people. I don't know why it was full of ugly people, and only ugly people, but it was; not a single person on the bus had ever had anyone attracted to them. So, the bus is just going along, and the driver fucks up or something, and runs head on into an oncoming truck. Everyone dies, and goes up to meet their maker. Well, God feels sorry for them all, and decides to grant them each one wish before they enter paradise. So they're in a big line in front of the gates, and he asks the first one what their wish is. After thinking a few seconds, she says: "I want to be gorgeous." Now the next person hears this, and starts freakin' out. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and wishes to be handsome. This continues on, everyone wishing to be beautiful/stud-like/etcetera, until the line is about half gone. Then the guy at the end starts cracking up, laughing his ass off, and God casts an eye at him, thinking: "What the hell?", but does nothing about it, and lets the same wish continue on. Now, when there's about 10 left, the guy is going NUTS. He's rolling around on the clouds laughing as hard as possible, and God is just wondering wtf is up. So he finally gets to the guy, and asks what his wish is. The guy calms down, stands up, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."
Viva_La_BAD
OMFG THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. THATS SOMETHING ILL WOULD DO BECAUSE HES SO COLD HEARTED AND MEAN!!!

Anyways, heres my joke, it was funnier before I read Poofy's but now it seems GAY. And props to duff for starting this awesome thread lolz!



A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."
Poofy
Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener, 'I didn't bring it' says Les. 'I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, he turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?? Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT...I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"
acidxdropper
stop posting fucken short stories, too long to read. one liners plz, thx :new_russian:
Viva_La_BAD
LOLOLOOLOLOOLOLOL! WHAT A DUMBASS!!!!!!
Sistruris
lol its funny but it does get 2 long ta read =/. Tha one from where he wishes everyone ta be ugly i think is good tho lol
Montydj
The Sad life of a Penis.....

I've only got one eye,my hair is a mess,my relatives are nuts,my neigbour's an arsehole,my best friend's a cunt and my owners a wanker! :rofl:
Sistruris
LOL o shit i neva even thought of dat lol :clapping: . o sup monty =D
Montydj
Sup Buddy smile.gif
Poofy
I will post what I want. If you guys are to lazy to fucking read a paragraph or two its not my fault.
Viva_La_BAD
LOL! Nice one Montay!!

QUOTE(acid @ Mar 16 2006, 06:57 PM) [snapback]611[/snapback]
stop posting fucken short stories, too long to read. one liners plz, thx :new_russian:


One liners are rarely funny...the long stories are where its at.
Poofy
QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 17 2006, 01:05 AM) [snapback]619[/snapback]
LOL! Nice one Montay!!
One liners are rarely funny...the long stories are where its at.


EXACTLY! Ty viva.



Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."
DuFF
HAHA loved the ugly people joke also mont's joke lol smile.gif

wow turned out to be a good thread biggrin.gif lol
Poofy
A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the
top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down
the equally steep other side, he noticed a man
and a woman lying in the center of the road, making
wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew
his air horn several times as he was bearing down
on them. He realized that they were not going to
stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the
front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still
in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter
with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?
You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you
were coming. You were the only one with brakes!"
Viva_La_BAD
A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."
Poofy
LOL, good one!


pauls girlfriend aint feeling good about herself, shes stood looking into the mirror naked and says to paul
"im fat, ugly and need a tan. you should pay me a compliment to make me feel better"
paul took a deep breath unsure what to say and then...
"at least your eyesight is perfect".
Montydj
I got that joke sent of a friend through phone text Viva biggrin.gif
Poofy
Two old women are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man runs up and flashes them. One of the women has a stroke.
The other one wasn't able to reach.
DuFF
lol calm down with teh jokes ! to much to read lol tongue.gif,

still some good ones there !

w00t 2 pinned threads which i started smile.gif
Poofy
Your momma so stupid she took the pepsi challenge and chose Jif!
Viva_La_BAD
LOL!!!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".
)Corruptz(
these jokes are funny, nice thread :blum: smile.gif
Poofy
QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 20 2006, 01:26 AM) [snapback]652[/snapback]
LOL!!!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


Lmfao, good one viva.


Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Tom loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Dave was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Gary was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."
Viva_La_BAD
ROFLROFLROFL OMFG LOLOLOOLOLOLOL THATS SO DIRTY!!!!
Viva_La_BAD
*bump!*

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."
Poofy
A man walk out of a bar very drunk. He gets into a car and starts driving home. A police officer spots him and stops the dude.
Policeman: Sir, your eyes are red, have you been drinking?
Drunk: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?
SoulTaco
Yo mama so fat I say coolaid and she comes bustin through the wall yellin "oh ya!"
Poofy
QUOTE(SoulTaco @ Mar 27 2006, 12:39 PM) [snapback]799[/snapback]
Yo mama so fat I say coolaid and she comes bustin through the wall yellin "oh ya!"


BAHAHAHHA


Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.
shininia
Hi, Can you make this vaccum fuck this cake?
Cobra
What is green and smells like pork?


Kermit the Frog's middle finger
acidxdropper
courtesy of camp...

what do u call a cow with 3 legs?

lean beef


what do u call a cow with no legs?

ground beef
Viva_La_BAD
LOL! Fuckin acidic
TrueShadow
yo momma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he kicked her the fuck out of the way.
TrueShadow
from the show Yo Momma:

Yo momma so poor, the last time she smelled a hot meal was when a rich man farted.
Yo momma so dumb, when she saw the sign Disneyland Left, she went home.
Here's a fact, only thing people can see from space with the naked eye is the China Wall, until they discovered yo momma.

k, i'm done with the lame jokes for a while, some1 post something that is really funny here biggrin.gif
acidxdropper
you momma's so fat she needs mapquest to find her neck
Poofy
Yo momma's so fat, should couldnt even float in space!
axxzi
well it started off funny...
Viva_La_BAD
A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don?t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck?n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don?t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn?t help mutter, "Oh fuck?" The priest said, "That?s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".








A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"
Poofy
The first one was good.
Lefty
yo momma's so poor when i asked where the bathroom was, she said "Pick a corner."

yo momma's so poor when i walked in her apartment i went in the door and out the window.

:eh: not too good with jokes
TrueShadow
Yo momma so dumb, she thought you were straight.

a Carlos Mancia and Easter reference: Yo momma so dumb, when Jesus was born again, she hid the eggs.

(i should come up with other stuff than one liners)
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