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6lo PWNS JOO FORUM _ Public Board _ Joke Section

Posted by: DuFF Mar 16 2006, 06:07 PM

Basically decided to make a thread about JOKES !!!! lol,

Post ur fav jokes in here, 1 post per joke please so people can read the jokes easily. smile.gif

i'll go first :

A jelly baby goes to the STD clinic, and complains to the doctor of having a really bad rash around his genitals.

The doctor asks him to go around the back of the curtains so that he can inspect him further.

The doctor joins him, and begins to inspect the area of concern.

"Oh my word, it appears that you have some form of desiccant coconut and pink and blue bobbles all over your genitals.. what the hell have you been upto??" asked the doctor.

The jelly baby looks all ashamed, "I've been fucking allsorts!"

add some jokes biatches

Posted by: acid Mar 16 2006, 06:56 PM

heres one courtesy of Pulp Fiction

3 tomatoes are walking down a street. papa tomato, moma tomato, and baby tomato. baby tomato begins to fall behind and papa tomato gets mad. papa tomoato goes back to baby tomato, squishes him, and says "catch up"

Posted by: Poofy Mar 16 2006, 08:46 PM

- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are known as Viva_La_Bad don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 16 2006, 10:03 PM

QUOTE(Poofy @ Mar 16 2006, 03:46 PM) [snapback]594[/snapback]
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are known as Viva_La_Bad don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up


Fuck you poof a loop!

Posted by: Poofy Mar 16 2006, 10:23 PM

There?s a shipwreck and only two men and a woman survive. They get washed up on an idyllic, but uninhabited desert island with next to no hope of rescue.

Eventually nature takes its course and both men begin a physical relationship with the woman. Love is in the air and all is well until she is suddenly taken ill and dies.

After a while sexual frustration gets to the men and once again nature takes its inevitable course.

Well, some months pass and what the men are doing begins to play on their minds. They become sickened and disgusted by what they are doing.

So they bury her again.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 16 2006, 10:34 PM

LOL OMG GOOD ONE! ROFLROFL

LOLZ joke websites ftw!

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."

Posted by: Poofy Mar 16 2006, 11:07 PM

Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!"

Posted by: acid Mar 16 2006, 11:20 PM

when i called your dad a faggot, he hit me with his purse

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 16 2006, 11:45 PM

QUOTE(Poofy @ Mar 16 2006, 06:07 PM) [snapback]603[/snapback]
Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!"



LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."

Posted by: Poofy Mar 16 2006, 11:48 PM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 16 2006, 11:45 PM) [snapback]605[/snapback]
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


OMFG AHAHAHHAHAHAH


Okay, so there's this bus full of ugly people. I don't know why it was full of ugly people, and only ugly people, but it was; not a single person on the bus had ever had anyone attracted to them. So, the bus is just going along, and the driver fucks up or something, and runs head on into an oncoming truck. Everyone dies, and goes up to meet their maker. Well, God feels sorry for them all, and decides to grant them each one wish before they enter paradise. So they're in a big line in front of the gates, and he asks the first one what their wish is. After thinking a few seconds, she says: "I want to be gorgeous." Now the next person hears this, and starts freakin' out. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and wishes to be handsome. This continues on, everyone wishing to be beautiful/stud-like/etcetera, until the line is about half gone. Then the guy at the end starts cracking up, laughing his ass off, and God casts an eye at him, thinking: "What the hell?", but does nothing about it, and lets the same wish continue on. Now, when there's about 10 left, the guy is going NUTS. He's rolling around on the clouds laughing as hard as possible, and God is just wondering wtf is up. So he finally gets to the guy, and asks what his wish is. The guy calms down, stands up, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 16 2006, 11:52 PM

OMFG THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. THATS SOMETHING ILL WOULD DO BECAUSE HES SO COLD HEARTED AND MEAN!!!

Anyways, heres my joke, it was funnier before I read Poofy's but now it seems GAY. And props to duff for starting this awesome thread lolz!



A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."

Posted by: Poofy Mar 16 2006, 11:55 PM

Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener, 'I didn't bring it' says Les. 'I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, he turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?? Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT...I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"

Posted by: acid Mar 16 2006, 11:57 PM

stop posting fucken short stories, too long to read. one liners plz, thx :new_russian:

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 17 2006, 12:00 AM

LOLOLOOLOLOOLOLOL! WHAT A DUMBASS!!!!!!

Posted by: Sistruris Mar 17 2006, 12:02 AM

lol its funny but it does get 2 long ta read =/. Tha one from where he wishes everyone ta be ugly i think is good tho lol

Posted by: Montydj Mar 17 2006, 12:07 AM

The Sad life of a Penis.....

I've only got one eye,my hair is a mess,my relatives are nuts,my neigbour's an arsehole,my best friend's a cunt and my owners a wanker! :rofl:

Posted by: Sistruris Mar 17 2006, 12:08 AM

LOL o shit i neva even thought of dat lol :clapping: . o sup monty =D

Posted by: Montydj Mar 17 2006, 12:11 AM

Sup Buddy smile.gif

Posted by: Poofy Mar 17 2006, 01:04 AM

I will post what I want. If you guys are to lazy to fucking read a paragraph or two its not my fault.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 17 2006, 01:05 AM

LOL! Nice one Montay!!

QUOTE(acid @ Mar 16 2006, 06:57 PM) [snapback]611[/snapback]
stop posting fucken short stories, too long to read. one liners plz, thx :new_russian:


One liners are rarely funny...the long stories are where its at.

Posted by: Poofy Mar 17 2006, 01:18 AM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 17 2006, 01:05 AM) [snapback]619[/snapback]
LOL! Nice one Montay!!
One liners are rarely funny...the long stories are where its at.


EXACTLY! Ty viva.



Paul returned from a doctor's visit one day and told his wife Alma that the doctor said he only had 24 hours to live. Wiping away her tears, he asked her to make love with him. Of course she agreed and they made passionate love. Six hours later, Paul went to her again, and said, "Honey, now I only have 18 hours left to live. Maybe we could make love again?"

Alma agrees and again they make love.

Later, Paul is getting into bed when he realized he now had only eight hours of life left. He touched Alma's shoulder and said, "Honey? Please? Just one more time before I die."

She agreed, than afterward she rolled over and fell asleep.

Paul, however, heard the clock ticking in his head, and he tossed and turned until he was down to only four more hours. He tapped his wife on the shoulder to wake her up.

"Honey, I only have four hours left! Could we...?"

His wife sat up abruptly, turned to him and said, "Listen Paul, I have to get up in the morning! You don't."

Posted by: DuFF Mar 17 2006, 04:21 PM

HAHA loved the ugly people joke also mont's joke lol smile.gif

wow turned out to be a good thread biggrin.gif lol

Posted by: Poofy Mar 17 2006, 08:53 PM

A trucker was driving his fully loaded rig to the
top of a steep hill. Just as he was starting down
the equally steep other side, he noticed a man
and a woman lying in the center of the road, making
wild and passionate love. In total disbelief, he blew
his air horn several times as he was bearing down
on them. He realized that they were not going to
stop or get out of his way, so he slammed on his
brakes and stopped just inches from them.

Furious, he got out of the cab and walked to the
front of the truck. He looked down at the two, still
in the road, and yelled, "What the hell's the matter
with you two? Didn't you hear me blowing the horn?
You could have been killed!"

Eventually, the man looked up at the truck driver,
obviously satisfied and not too concerned and said,
"Look, I was coming, she was coming, and you
were coming. You were the only one with brakes!"

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 18 2006, 03:14 AM

A few days after Christmas, A mother was working in the kitchen listening to her son playing with his new electric train set in the living room. She heard the train stop and her son yell "All you sons of bitches who want to get off, get the hell off now, because this is the last stop! All of you sons of bitches that are getting on, get your asses in the train cause were leaving". The mother went in and told her son, "we don't use that kind of language in this house." Now I want you to go into your room for two hours. When you come out, you can play with your train, but I don't want to hear any bad language.

Two hours later, the son comes out of his room and continues playing with his train. Soon the train stopped and the mother heard the son say, "All passengers who are disembarking the train, please remember to take all of your belongings with you. We thank you for riding with us today and hope your ride was a pleasant one. We hope you will ride with us again soon. For those of you who are just boarding the train, we ask that you stow all of your hand luggage under the seat, remember there is no smoking except on the club car. We hope you have a pleasant and relaxing journey with us today".

"For those of you who are pissed off with the two hour delay , please see the bitch in the kitchen."

Posted by: Poofy Mar 18 2006, 01:20 PM

LOL, good one!


pauls girlfriend aint feeling good about herself, shes stood looking into the mirror naked and says to paul
"im fat, ugly and need a tan. you should pay me a compliment to make me feel better"
paul took a deep breath unsure what to say and then...
"at least your eyesight is perfect".

Posted by: Montydj Mar 18 2006, 07:05 PM

I got that joke sent of a friend through phone text Viva biggrin.gif

Posted by: Poofy Mar 18 2006, 10:44 PM

Two old women are sitting on a park bench. Suddenly, a man runs up and flashes them. One of the women has a stroke.
The other one wasn't able to reach.

Posted by: DuFF Mar 19 2006, 12:39 AM

lol calm down with teh jokes ! to much to read lol tongue.gif,

still some good ones there !

w00t 2 pinned threads which i started smile.gif

Posted by: Poofy Mar 19 2006, 02:44 PM

Your momma so stupid she took the pepsi challenge and chose Jif!

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 20 2006, 01:26 AM

LOL!!!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".

Posted by: )Corruptz( Mar 20 2006, 02:56 AM

these jokes are funny, nice thread :blum: smile.gif

Posted by: Poofy Mar 20 2006, 03:02 AM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 20 2006, 01:26 AM) [snapback]652[/snapback]
LOL!!!

As an airplane is about to crash, a female passenger jumps up frantically and announces, "If I'm going to die, I want to die feeling like a woman."

She removes all her clothing and asks, "Is there someone on this plane who is man enough to make me feel like a woman?"

A man stands up, removes his shirt and says, "Here, iron this!".


Lmfao, good one viva.


Three gay men died, and were going to be cremated. Their lovers happened to be at the funeral home at the same time, and were discussing what they planned to do with the ashes. The first man said, "My Tom loved to fly, so I'm going up in a plane and scatter his ashes in the sky."

The second man said, "My Dave was a good fisherman, so I'm going to scatter his ashes in our favorite lake."

The third man said, "My Gary was such a good lover, I think I'm going to dump his ashes in a pot of chili, so he can tear my ass up just one more time."

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 20 2006, 11:01 AM

ROFLROFLROFL OMFG LOLOLOOLOLOLOL THATS SO DIRTY!!!!

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Mar 26 2006, 04:34 AM

*bump!*

On Christmas morning a cop on horseback is sitting at a traffic light, and next to him is a kid on his brand new bike. The cop says to the kid, "Nice bike you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" The kid says, "Yeah." The cop says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put a tail-light on that bike." The cop then proceeds to issue the kid a $20.00 bicycle safety violation ticket. The kid takes the ticket and before the cop rides off says, "By the way, that's a nice horse you got there. Did Santa bring that to you?" Humouring the kid, the cop says, "Yeah, he sure did." The kid says, "Well, next year tell Santa to put the dick underneath the horse, instead of on top."

Posted by: Poofy Mar 27 2006, 12:45 AM

A man walk out of a bar very drunk. He gets into a car and starts driving home. A police officer spots him and stops the dude.
Policeman: Sir, your eyes are red, have you been drinking?
Drunk: Your eyes are glazed, have you been eating donuts?

Posted by: SoulTaco Mar 27 2006, 12:39 PM

Yo mama so fat I say coolaid and she comes bustin through the wall yellin "oh ya!"

Posted by: Poofy Mar 27 2006, 11:35 PM

QUOTE(SoulTaco @ Mar 27 2006, 12:39 PM) [snapback]799[/snapback]
Yo mama so fat I say coolaid and she comes bustin through the wall yellin "oh ya!"


BAHAHAHHA


Yo mama so stupid she got stabbed in a shoot out.

Posted by: shininia Mar 29 2006, 01:22 PM

Hi, Can you make this vaccum fuck this cake?

Posted by: Cobra Mar 29 2006, 04:14 PM

What is green and smells like pork?


Kermit the Frog's middle finger

Posted by: acid Apr 2 2006, 12:03 AM

courtesy of camp...

what do u call a cow with 3 legs?

lean beef


what do u call a cow with no legs?

ground beef

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 2 2006, 12:56 AM

LOL! Fuckin acidic

Posted by: TrueShadow Apr 2 2006, 02:55 AM

yo momma so fat, when God said, "Let there be light," he kicked her the fuck out of the way.

Posted by: TrueShadow Apr 13 2006, 07:07 AM

from the show Yo Momma:

Yo momma so poor, the last time she smelled a hot meal was when a rich man farted.
Yo momma so dumb, when she saw the sign Disneyland Left, she went home.
Here's a fact, only thing people can see from space with the naked eye is the China Wall, until they discovered yo momma.

k, i'm done with the lame jokes for a while, some1 post something that is really funny here biggrin.gif

Posted by: acid Apr 13 2006, 08:11 AM

you momma's so fat she needs mapquest to find her neck

Posted by: Poofy Apr 13 2006, 07:52 PM

Yo momma's so fat, should couldnt even float in space!

Posted by: axxzi Apr 15 2006, 03:51 AM

well it started off funny...

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 16 2006, 12:22 AM

A sailor and a priest were playing golf. The sailor took his first shot missed and said, "Fuck, I missed." Surprised, the priest replied, "Don?t use that kind of language or god will punish you." The sailor took aim and hit his shot second shot. Again he missed and under his breath the said, "I fuck?n missed again." The priest overheard and replied, "My son, please don?t use that language or god will punish you." The sailor took his third shot and once again he couldn?t help mutter, "Oh fuck?" The priest said, "That?s it god will certainly punish you." Suddenly a bolt of lightning came down and killed the priest. In the distance a deep voice said, "FUCK, I Missed".








A stranger was seated next to Little Johnny on the plane when the stranger turned to the Little Johnny and said, "Let's talk. I've heard that flights will go quicker if you strike up a conversation with your fellow passenger."

Little Johnny, who had just opened his book, closed it slowly, and said to the stranger, "What would you like to discuss?"

"Oh, I don't know," said the stranger. "How about nuclear power?"

"OK," said Little Johnny. "That could be an interesting topic. But let me ask you a question first. "A horse, a cow, and a deer all eat grass. The same stuff. Yet a deer excretes little pellets, while a cow turns out a flat patty, and a horse produces clumps of dried grass. Why do you suppose that is?"

"Jeez," said the stranger. "I have no idea."

"Well, then," said Little Johnny, "How is it that you feel qualified to discuss nuclear power when you don't know shit?"

Posted by: Poofy Apr 16 2006, 01:36 AM

The first one was good.

Posted by: Lefty Apr 17 2006, 05:34 AM

yo momma's so poor when i asked where the bathroom was, she said "Pick a corner."

yo momma's so poor when i walked in her apartment i went in the door and out the window.

:eh: not too good with jokes

Posted by: TrueShadow Apr 17 2006, 05:40 AM

Yo momma so dumb, she thought you were straight.

a Carlos Mancia and Easter reference: Yo momma so dumb, when Jesus was born again, she hid the eggs.

(i should come up with other stuff than one liners)

Posted by: )Corruptz( Apr 17 2006, 05:07 PM

QUOTE(TrueShadow @ Apr 16 2006, 10:40 PM) [snapback]1318[/snapback]
Yo momma so dumb, she thought you were straight.

a Carlos Mancia and Easter reference: Yo momma so dumb, when Jesus was born again, she hid the eggs.

(i should come up with other stuff than one liners)

arent these jokes from the show "yo momma" ?lol

Posted by: TrueShadow Apr 17 2006, 09:06 PM

not those 2 that u quoted, those were original or at least i didn't hear it yet.

but before those, the other 3 came from the show as i already wrote above.

heh, pplz should come up with something more than yo momma jokes, i'm only writing them to bump the thread.

Posted by: axxzi Apr 19 2006, 04:33 AM

Talking Italian

A bus stops and two Italian men get on. They seat themselves, and engage in animated conversation. The lady sitting behind them ignores their conversation at first, but her attention is galvanized when she hears one of the men say the following:

''Emma come first. Den I come. Two asses, they come together. I come again. Two asses, they come together again. I come again and pee twice. Then I come once-a-more.''

''You foul-mouthed swine,'' retorted the lady indignantly. ''In this country we don't talk about our sex lives in public.''

''Hey, coola down lady,'' said the man. ''Imma just tella my friend howa to spella Mississippi.''

http://jokes.comedycentral.com

Posted by: axxzi Apr 19 2006, 04:57 AM

24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

A little boy wrote to Santa ...
spacer
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

heh.

Posted by: axxzi Apr 19 2006, 05:48 AM

Donald Rumsfeld is briefing president Bush: "Yesterday, 3 Brazilian soldiers were killed."

"Oh no!" exclaims the president, "that's terrible!"

His staff is stunned at this unprecedented display of emotion, watching as Bush sits, head in hands.

Finally, he looks up and asks, "How many is a brazillion?"

Little Johnny was on a park bench stuffing all of his Halloween candy in his mouth. An old lady came over and said. "Son, don't you know that eating all of that candy will rot your teeth, give you acne, and make you sick?"

"My grandfather lived to be 105 years old!" replied Johnny.

"Did he eat five candy bars at a sitting?" the old lady retorted.

"No, said Johnny, but he minded his own freakin' business."

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 19 2006, 06:02 AM

QUOTE(axxzi @ Apr 18 2006, 11:57 PM) [snapback]1383[/snapback]
24 Fun Things To Do In An Elevator...

1. Grimace painfully while smacking your forehead and muttering: "Shut up, dammit, all of you just shut UP!"

2. Whistle the first seven notes of "It's a Small World" incessantly.

3. Crack open your briefcase or purse, and while peering inside ask: "Got enough air in there?"

4. Offer name tags to everyone getting on the elevator. Wear yours upside-down.

5. Stand silent and motionless in the corner, facing the wall, without getting off.

6. When arriving at your floor, grunt and strain to yank the doors open, then act embarrassed when they open by themselves.

7. Greet everyone getting on the elevator with a warm handshake and ask them to call you Admiral.

8. On the highest floor, hold the door open and demand that it stay open until you hear the penny you dropped down the shaft go "plink" at the bottom.

9. Stare, grinning, at another passenger for a while, and then announce: "I've got new socks on!"

10. When at least 8 people have boarded, moan from the back: "Oh, no, not now, damn motion sickness!"

11. Meow occasionally.

12. Holler "Chutes away!" whenever the elevator descends.

13. Walk on with a cooler that says "human head" on the side.

14. Stare at another passenger for a while, then announce "You're one of THEM!" and move to the far corner of the elevator.

15. Wear a puppet on your hand and talk to other passengers "through" it.

16. When the elevator is silent, look around and ask "is that your beeper?"

17. Say "Ding!" at each floor.

18. Say "I wonder what all these do" and push the red buttons.

19. Listen to the elevator walls with a stethoscope.

20. Draw a little square on the floor with chalk and announce to the other passengers that this is your "personal space."

21. Announce in a demonic voice: "I must find a more suitable host body."

22. Make explosion noises when anyone presses a button.

23. Wear "X-Ray Specs" and leer suggestively at other passengers.

24. Stop at every floor, run off the elevator, then run back on.

A little boy wrote to Santa ...
spacer
One day, a little boy wrote to Santa Clause, "Please send me a sister."
Santa Clause wrote him back, "Ok, send me your mother."

heh.



LOLOLOLOLOLOL!

Posted by: axxzi Apr 19 2006, 06:04 AM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Apr 18 2006, 10:02 PM) [snapback]1390[/snapback]
LOLOLOLOLOLOL!


haha i like #17..best done with an excited smile, eyes wide open, staring straight ahead

Posted by: Poofy Apr 19 2006, 08:29 PM

QUOTE(axxzi @ Apr 19 2006, 06:04 AM) [snapback]1391[/snapback]
haha i like #17..best done with an excited smile, eyes wide open, staring straight ahead



Ahahha I have read those all before but they are still great. 21 and 9 are my favorites personally.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 19 2006, 08:47 PM

Yeah #9 is fuckin hilarious. I don't get #21 though lol!

Posted by: Poofy Apr 19 2006, 08:51 PM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Apr 19 2006, 08:47 PM) [snapback]1421[/snapback]
Yeah #9 is fuckin hilarious. I don't get #21 though lol!


Think the exorcist.

The devil in the little girls body, making her the host body.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 19 2006, 08:55 PM

TOP TEN THINGS MEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP WITH A VAGINA FOR A DAY...

10. Immediately go shopping for zucchini and cucumbers.

9. Squat over a hand-held mirror for an hour and a half.

8. See if they could finally do the splits.

7. See if it's truly possible to launch a ping pong ball 20 feet.

6. Cross their legs without rearranging their crotch.

5. Get picked up in a bar in less than 10 minutes ... BEFORE closing time.

4. Have consecutive multiple orgasms and still be ready for more without sleeping first.

3. Go to the gynecologist for a pelvic exam and ask to have it recorded on video.

2. Sit on the edge of the bed and pray for breasts too.

1. Finally find that damned G-spot.


---------------------------------------------------------------------



TOP TEN THINGS WOMEN WOULD DO IF THEY WOKE UP AND HAD A PENIS FOR A DAY...

10. Get ahead faster in corporate America.

9. Get a blow job.

8. Find out what is so fascinating about beating the meat.

7. Pee standing up while talking to other men at a urinal.

6. Determine WHY you can't hit the bowl consistently.

5. Find out what it's like to be on the other end of a surging orgasm.

4. Touch yourself in public without thought as to how improper it may seem.

3. Jump up and down naked with an erection to see if it feels as funny as it looks.

2. Understand the scientific reason for the light refraction which occurs between a man's eyes and the ruler situated next to his member which causes two inches to be added to the final measurement.

1. Repeat number 9......




LOLOOLL!

Posted by: axxzi Apr 19 2006, 08:55 PM

QUOTE(Poofy @ Apr 19 2006, 12:51 PM) [snapback]1422[/snapback]
Think the exorcist.

The devil in the little girls body, making her the host body.


haha i just realised that i just got that...heheheh

Posted by: Lefty Apr 20 2006, 08:57 PM

LMAO! i liked #9 and #20

xD

EDIT: i meant for the 24 things to do in an elevator...

Posted by: axxzi Apr 20 2006, 11:10 PM

heh i saw those viva...after a google search for "adult jokes"
DONT WANNA KNOW



QUOTE(Lefty @ Apr 20 2006, 12:57 PM) [snapback]1456[/snapback]
LMAO! i liked #9 and #20

xD

EDIT: i meant for the 24 things to do in an elevator...


haha sure you did

Posted by: Poofy Apr 23 2006, 01:02 PM

QUOTE(axxzi @ Apr 20 2006, 11:10 PM) [snapback]1470[/snapback]
haha sure you did


Considering there is no #20 on Viva's I trust her.


Two young engineers applied for a single position at a computer company. They both had the same qualifications. In order to determine which individual to hire, the applicants were asked to take a test by the department manager.

Upon completion of the test, both men had each missed only one of the questions. The manager went to the first applicant and said, ''Thank you for your interest, but we've decided to give the job to the other applicant.''
"And why would you be doing that? We both got nine questions correct," asked the rejected applicant.

"We have based our decision not on the correct answers, but on the question you missed," said the department manager.

"And just how would one incorrect answer be better than the other?" the rejected applicant inquired.

''Simple,'' said the department manager, ''Your fellow applicant put down on question #5, 'I don't know.' You put down, 'Neither do I.'''






Seems God was just about done creating the universe, but he had two things left in his bag of creations, so he decided to split them between Adam and Eve. He told the couple that one of the things he had to give away was the ability to stand up while urinating.

"It?s a very handy thing" God told the couple, "and I was wondering if either one of you wanted that abilty."

Adam jumped up and blurted "Oh, give that to me! I?d love to be able to do that. It seems the sort of thing a man would do. Please give me that ability. It?d be so great. When I?m working in the garden or naming the animals, I could just stand there and let fly. It?d be sooo cool. I could write my name in the sand. Please, God, let it be me you give the gift to, let me stand to pee, oh please."

Eve just smiled and said that if Adam really wanted that so bad that he should have it. It seemed to be the sort of thing that would make Adam really happy, and she didn?t mind if Adam were the one to get this ability. Adam was happy, and proceeded to wash down the bark of the nearest tree, laughing with glee all the while.

"Fine", God said, looking back into his bag of leftovers. "What?s left here?" "Oh, yes. Multiple orgasms."


ADAM YOU TAAARRDDD!!!!!

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 23 2006, 09:10 PM

AHAHAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAAHHAHAHA! ADAM GOT PIZOWNED.

GIRLS > GUYS

Posted by: TrueShadow Apr 25 2006, 07:13 AM

adam shoulda asked for more accuracy at least imo especially when the gun is warmed up and hot.....i swear link gun primary has too low accuracy at far distances....

Posted by: Poofy May 7 2006, 01:28 PM

One day three explorers named Steven, Arnold, and Pierce were in a jungle trying to find a lost tower. Unfortunately, they were caught by a tribal group. As they were about to be executed they pleaded to the Queen of the Tribe for her mercy. She said, ''Get me something good to eat. If I like it, you will be freed.'' The three stars looked at each other and agreed. They then went into the jungle to look for some food

Steven was the first to come back. He came up to the altar and offered grapes. She tasted one and immediately spat it out. She ordered her servants to shove the rest of them up his ass. The servants finished their duty, leaving a screaming Steven. Arnold was the next to arrive with some yummy apples. The same thing happened to him, but cusiously he laughed as the apples were shoved up his ass. Steven was shocked. Here he was with grapes up his ass howling in pain, but Arnold had several apples in his ass and he was still laughing. He asked him ''What the hell are you laughing at?''

A laughing Arnold replied ''Pierce is coming back with a watermelon.'''






One day Lone Ranger and his side kick Tonto were out riding when Lone Ranger had to take a piss. So Lone Ranger goes over to the bush pulls down his pants and then he screams. He runs over to Tonto and says, "Tonto I've been bitten by a snake on my penis go to town and ask the doctor what to do."

So Tonto rides to town and goes to the doctor and says "Doctor, Lone Ranger has been bit by a snake what do I do?"

The doctor looks at Tonto and says, "You take a knife and make an x on the spot where he was bit, then you suck out the venim."

Tonto thanks the doctor and rides back to Lone Ranger and Lone Ranger asks "What did the doctor say?"

Tonto looks at Lone Ranger and says "Doctor say you gonna die!"

Posted by: acid May 7 2006, 06:29 PM

lol found this again, remembered it from way back

The Rules of Bedroom Golf:

1. Each player shall furnish his own equipment for play, normally one club and two balls.

2. Play on course must be approved by the owner of the hole.

3. Unlike outdoor golf, the object is to get the club in the hole and keep the balls out.

4. For most effective play, the club should have a firm shaft. Course owners are permitted to check shaft stiffness before play begins.

5.Course owners reserve the right to restrict club length to avoid damage to the hole.

6. Object of the game is to take as many strokes as necessary until the owner is satisfied play is complete. Failure to do so may result in being denied permission to play again.

7. It is considered bad form to begin playing the hole immediately upon arrival. Experienced players will normally take time to admire the entire course, paying special attention to well formed mounds and bunkers.

8. Players are cautioned not to mention other courses they have played or are currently playing to the owner of the course being played. Upset owners have been known to damage a players equipment for this reason.

9. Players are encouraged to have proper rain gear, just in case.

10. Players should not assume that the course is in shape to play at all times. Players may be embarrassed if they find the course temporarily under repair. Players are advised to be extremely tactful in this situation. More advanced players will find alternate means of play when this is the case.

11. Players should assume their match has been properly scheduled particularly when playing a new course for the 1st time. Previous players have been known to become irate if they discover someone else is playing what they considered a private course.

12. The owner of the course is responsible for the pruning of any bushes, which may reduce the visibility of the hole.

13. Players are strongly advised to get the owners permission before attempting to play the backside.

14. Slow play is encouraged, however, players should be prepared to proceed at a quicker pace at the owners request.

15. It is considered an outstanding performance, time permitting, to play the same hole several times in one match

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD May 7 2006, 08:09 PM

LOL!


Ways to be truly offensive at a funeral...

-Tell the widow that the deceased's last wish was that she make love with you.

-Tell the undertaker that he can't close the coffin until you find your contact lens.

-Punch the body and tell people that he hit you first.

-Tell the widow that you're the deceased's gay lover.

-Ask someone to take a snapshot of you shaking hands with the deceased.

-At the cemetery, play taps on a kazoo.

-Walk around telling people that you've seen the will and they're not in it.

-Ask the widow to give you a kiss.

-Drive behind the widow's limo and keep honking your horn.

-Tell the undertaker that your dog just died and ask if he can sneak him into the coffin.

-Put a hard-boiled egg in the mouth of the deceased.

-Slip a whoopee cushion under the widow.

-Leave some phony dog poop on top of the deceased.

-Tell the widow that you have to leave early and ask if the will can be read before the funeral is over.

-Urge the widow to give the deceased's wooden leg to someone poor who can't afford firewood.

-Walk around telling people that the deceased didn't like them.

-Use the deceased's tongue to lick a stamp.

-Ask the widow for money which the deceased owes you.

-Take up a collection to pay off the deceased's gambling debts.

-Ask the widow if you can have the body to practice tatooing on.

-Put Crazy Glue on the deceased's lips just before the widow's last kiss.

-Show up at the funeral services in a clown suit.

-If the widow cries, blow a trumpet every time she wipes her nose.

-When no-one's looking, slip plastic vampire-teeth into the deceased's mouth.

-Toss a handful of cooked rice on the deceased and scream "MAGGOTS! MAGGOTS!" and pretend to faint.

-At the cemetery take bets on how long it takes a body to decompose.

-Get someone to call you on your cell phone during ceremony and pretend your talking to the deceased person.

-Goose the widow as she bends over to throw dirt on the coffin.

-Circulate a petition to have the body stuffed instead of buried.

-Tell everyone you're from the IRS and you're confiscating the coffin for back-taxes.

-Promise the minister a hundred dollars if he doesn't keep a straight face while praising the deceased.

-Write "Best before last week" on the top of the coffin when nobody is looking.

-Accidentally sneeze on the deceased, and literally wipe the smile off their face.

-If its a woman, spread her legs and write "Dying for a Shag" on the side of the coffin.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD May 9 2006, 11:51 PM

ROFLZ!!!!


A policeman was patrolling a local parking spot overlooking a golf course. He drove by a car and saw a couple inside with the dome light on. There was a young man in the driver's seat reading a computer magazine and a young lady in the back seat knitting. He stopped to investigate. He walked up to the driver's window and knocked. The young man looked up, cranked the window down, and said, "Yes Officer?"

"What are you doing?" the policeman asked. "What does it look like?" answered the young man. "I'm reading this magazine." Pointing towards the young lady in the back seat, the officer then asked, "And what is she doing?" The young man looked over his shoulder and replied, "What does it look like? She's knitting."

"And how old are you?" the officer then asked the young man. "I'm nineteen," he replied. "And how old is she?" asked the officer. The young man looked at his watch and said, "Well, in about twelve minutes she'll be sixteen."

Posted by: )Corruptz( May 10 2006, 05:51 PM

jokes are way too long, do u actually type this whole thing or just copy and paste?

Posted by: Poofy May 10 2006, 07:55 PM

Dear lord, thats not even a page of reading, have you ever even read a full book?

Posted by: Jedi May 12 2006, 03:04 PM

And men think that women are as hard as bunkers to pententrate...well here is the "bunker buster" that will solve your problem...maybe! :dance:

http://www.break.com/index/bunkerbuster.html

Posted by: Poofy May 12 2006, 08:59 PM

QUOTE(Jedi @ May 12 2006, 03:04 PM) [snapback]2075[/snapback]
And men think that women are as hard as bunkers to pententrate...well here is the "bunker buster" that will solve your problem...maybe! :dance:

http://www.break.com/index/bunkerbuster.html


How the hell is that a joke?


Little Mary was not the best student in Sunday School. Usually she slept through the class. One day the teacher called on her while she was napping, ''Tell me, Mary, who created the universe?''

When Mary didn't stir, little Johnny, an altruistic boy seated in the chair behind her, took a pin and jabbed her in the rear. ''God Almighty !'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

A while later the teacher asked Mary, ''Who is our Lord and Savior?'' But Mary didn't even stir from her slumber. Once again, Johnny came to the rescue and stuck her again. ''Jesus Christ!'' shouted Mary and the teacher said, ''Very good,'' and Mary fell back to sleep.

Then the teacher asked Mary a third question, ''What did Eve say to Adam after she had her twenty-third child?'' And again, Johnny jabbed her with the pin. This time Mary jumped up and shouted, ''If you stick that damn thing in me one more time, I'll break it in half!''

Posted by: axxzi May 13 2006, 12:29 AM

A newlywed couple returned to their apartment after being on their honeymoon.

"Care to go upstairs and do it?" the husband asked.

"Shh!" said the bride "All the neighbors will know what we're about to do. These walls are paper thin. In the future, we'll have to ask each other in code. For example, how about asking, 'Have you left the washing machine door open' instead?"

So, the following night, the husband asks, "I don't suppose you left the washing machine door open, did you?"

"No, I definitely shut it," replied the wife who rolled over and fell asleep.

When she woke up however, she was feeling a little frisky herself and she nudged her husband and said, "I think I did leave the washing machine door open after all. Would you like to do some washing?"

"No, thanks," said the husband. "It was only a small load so I did it by hand."


-------------------------------------------------------------------------------->>>>


A huge muscular man walks into a bar and orders a beer. The bartender hands him the beer and says, "You know, I'm not gay but I want to compliment you on your physique, it really is phenomenal! I have a question though, why is your head so small?"

The big guy nods slowly. He's obviously fielded this question many times.

"One day," he begins, "I was hunting when I got lost in the woods. I heard someone crying for help and finally realized that it was coming from a frog sitting next to a stream."

So I picked up the frog and it said, "Kiss me. Kiss me and I will turn into a genie and grant you 3 wishes."

So I looked around to make sure I was alone and gave the frog a kiss. POOF! The frog turned into a beautiful, voluptuous, naked woman.

She said, "You now have 3 wishes."

I looked down at my scrawny 115 pound body and said, "I want a body like Arnold Schwarzenneger."

She nodded, whispered a spell, and POOF! there I was, so huge that I ripped out of my clothes and was standing there naked!

She then asked, "What will be your second wish?"

I looked hungrily at her beautiful body and replied, "I want to make sensuous love with you here by this stream." She nodded, laid down, and beckoned to me. "We then made love for hours!"

Later, as we lay there next to each other, sweating from our glorious lovemaking, she whispered into my ear, "You know, you do have one more wish. What will it be?"

I looked at her and replied, "How about a little head?"

Posted by: axxzi May 13 2006, 12:49 AM

--------->>

some funny ones i took from a big set...the other ones were retarded (trust me)

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll
squeeze these dangly things here, and drink whatever comes out?"

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What do you call male ballerinas?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

If corn oil is made from corn, and vegetable oil is made from
vegetables, then what is baby oil made from?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog\'s face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him on a car ride, he can\'t wait to stick his head out the window into the wind?

i dont know how true these are...but they are still pretty funny

Fire authorities in California found a corpse in a burned-out section of forest while assessing the damage done by a forest fire. The deceased male was dressed in a full wet suit, complete with scuba
tanks on his back, flippers, and face mask.

A postmortem test revealed that the man died not from burns, but from massive internal injuries. Dental records provided a positive identification. Investigators then set about to determine how a fully clothed diver ended up in the middle of a forest fire.

It was revealed that on the day of the fire, the man went diving off the coast, some 20 miles from the forest. The fire fighters, seeking to control the fire as quickly as possible, had called in a fleet of helicopters with very large dip buckets. Water was dipped from the ocean and emptied at the site of the forest fire.

You guessed it. One minute our diver was making like Flipper in the Pacific, the next, he was doing the breast stroke in a fire dip bucket 300 feet in the air. Some days it just doesn't pay to get out of bed.
___________________________________________

Still think you're having a bad day?

A man was working on his motorcycle on the patio, his wife nearby in the kitchen. While racing the engine, the motorcycle accidentally slipped into gear. The man, still holding onto the handlebars, was dragged along as it burst through the glass patio doors.

His wife, hearing the crash, ran in the room to find her husband cut and bleeding, the motorcycle, and the shattered patio door. She called for an ambulance and, because the house sat on a fairly large hill, went down the several flights of stairs to meet the paramedics and escort them to her husband.

While the attendants were loading her husband, the wife managed to right the motorcycle and push it outside. She also quickly blotted up the spilled gasoline with some paper towels and tossed them into the toilet.

After being treated and released, the man returned home, looked at the shattered patio door and the damage done to his motorcycle. He went into the bathroom and consoled himself with a cigarette while attending to his business. About to stand, he flipped the butt between his legs.

The wife, who was in the kitchen, heard a loud explosion and her husband screaming. Finding him lying on the bathroom floor with his trousers blown away and burns on his buttocks, legs and groin, she
once again phoned for an ambulance. The same paramedic crew was dispatched.

As the paramedics carried the man down the stairs to the ambulance they asked the wife how he had come to burn himself. She told them.
They started laughing so hard, one slipped, the stretcher and dumping the husband out. He fell down the remaining stairs, breaking his arm.
______________________________________________
Still having a bad day? Just remember, it could be worse...

The average cost of rehabilitating a seal after the Exxon Valdez oil spill in Alaska was $80,000. At a special ceremony, two of the most expensively saved animals were being released back into the wild amid cheers and applause from onlookers. A minute later, in full view, a killer whale ate them both.
_____________________________________________
Still think you are having a bad day?

A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy
plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
_______________________________________________
STILL think you're having a bad day?

Two animal rights protesters were protesting at the cruelty of sending pigs to a slaughterhouse in Bonn, Germany. Suddenly, all two thousand pigs broke loose and escaped through a broken fence, stampeding madly The two hopeless protesters were trampled to death.
____________________________________________

What?! STILL having a bad day??

Iraqi terrorist Khay Rahnajet didn't pay enough postage on a letter bomb. It came back with "return to sender" stamped on it. Forgetting it was the bomb, he opened it and was blown to bits.

Posted by: axxzi May 13 2006, 02:10 AM

haha the worlds shortest books...


25. MY PLAN TO FIND THE REAL KILLERS-by O J Simpson

24. THE ENGINEER'S GUIDE TO FASHION

23. TO ALL THE MEN I'VE LOVED BEFORE-by Ellen DeGeneres

22. THE DIFFERENCE BETWEEN REALITY AND DILBERT

21. HUMAN RIGHTS ADVANCES IN CHINA

20. THINGS I WOULD NOT DO FOR MONEY-by Dennis Rodman

19. THE WILD YEARS-by Al Gore

18. AMELIA EARHART'S GUIDE TO THE PACIFIC OCEAN

17. AMERICA'S MOST POPULAR LAWYERS

16. CAREER OPPORTUNITIES FOR LIBERAL ARTS MAJORS

15. DETROIT - A TRAVEL GUIDE

14. DIFFERENT WAYS TO SPELL BOB

13. DR. KEVORKIAN'S COLLECTION OF MOTIVATIONAL SPEECHES

12. EASY UNIX

11. ETHIOPIAN TIPS ON WORLD DOMINANCE AND AGRICULTURE

10. EVERYTHING MEN KNOW ABOUT WOMEN

9. EVERYTHING WOMEN KNOW ABOUT MEN

8. FRENCH HOSPITALITY

7. GEORGE FOREMAN'S BIG BOOK OF BABY NAMES

6. HOW TO SUSTAIN A MUSICAL CAREER-by Art Garfunkel

5. MIKE TYSON'S GUIDE TO DATING ETIQUETTE

4. SPOTTED OWL RECIPES-by the EPA

3. STAPLE YOUR WAY TO SUCCESS

2. THE AMISH PHONE DIRECTORY

1. HOW TO OVERCOME TEMPTATION by Bill Clinton

Posted by: Poofy May 13 2006, 04:00 AM

ANNOYING THINGS:

When people say "Oh you just want to have your cake and eat it too". Screw off. What good is a goddamn cake if you can't eat it? What, should I eat someone else's cake instead?


When people say "It's always in the last place you look". Of course it is. Why the hell would you keep looking after you've found it? Do people do this? Who and where are they?


When people say, while watching a movie "Did you see that?" No dicknose, I paid $9.00 to come to the theatre and stare at the frigging ceiling up there. What did you come here for?


When a cop pulls you over and then asks if you know how fast you were going? You should know asshole, you frigging pulled me over.


When people say "Life is short." What the hell?? Life is the longest damn thing anyone ever does!! What? Are they going to do something that's longer?


When people ask "Can I BORROW a piece of paper?" Sure, but please don't return the favor! It's one god damn piece of paper.


When you are waiting for the bus and someone ask you "Did the bus come yet?" If the bus came I would not be standing here asshole!


People who ask "Can I ask you a question?" Didn't really give me a choice there, did ya buddy?

Posted by: axxzi May 13 2006, 04:05 AM

i disagree with the bus one!

there can be like 50 diff. kind of busses...usually people ask somethign like "did the so and so bus come yet"

um. i cant wait till i get my liscence.

Posted by: TrueShadow May 13 2006, 05:38 AM

heh i guess but usually there is only one type of bus at a bus stop at one particular time....usually.

Posted by: axxzi May 20 2006, 06:49 AM

A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.

Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"

Posted by: Poofy May 20 2006, 02:18 PM

QUOTE(axxzi @ May 20 2006, 06:49 AM) [snapback]2367[/snapback]
A new guy in town walks into a bar and reads a sign that hangs over the bar... FREE BEER! FREE BEER FOR THE PERSON WHO CAN PASS THE TEST! So the guy asks the bartender what the test is.

Bartender replies "Well, first you have to drink that whole gallon of pepper tequila, the WHOLE thing at once and you can't make a face while doing it. Second, there's a 'gator out back with a sore tooth...you have to remove it with your bare hands. Third, there's a woman up-stairs who's never had an orgasm. You gotta make things right for her." The guy says, "Well, as much as I would love free beer, I won't do it. You have to be nuts to drink a gallon of pepper tequila and then get crazier from there.


Well, as time goes on and the man drinks a few, he asks, "Wherez zat teeqeelah?"

He grabs the gallon of tequilla with both hands, and downs it with a big slurp and tears streaming down his face. Next, he staggers out back and soon all the people inside hear the most frightening roaring and thumping, then silence. The man staggers back into the bar, his shirt ripped and big scratches all over his body.

"Now" he says "Where's that woman with the sore tooth?"


EWWWY


I cant find any good jokes so imma put up a bash quote biggrin.gif


<Onyxus>: Have you ever been pwned by a 4 year old? I have, and so has my son.
<Onyxus>: 1.) I was riding in the car with my family and my daughter (as I have taught her) randomly said "I pwned a noob!" Being a proud father I reached back and said "Gimme five" to which she promptly responded "No you're the noob!"
<Onyxus>: 2.) Just today me and the missus were sitting in the living room watching TV while the kids were on the porch playing in their tiny little swimming pool. My son ran up to the back door and was yelling something unintelligible at it, when my daughter ran up behind him and dumped a cup full of water over his head...multiple times. He ran off, most likely to cry in a corner somewhere, and she looked at me through the door and yelled "I pwned a noob Daddy!"
<Onyxus>: Words can not describe the pride I feel in how I've brought up my daughter...

Posted by: axxzi May 21 2006, 08:06 AM

haha
doesnt change the fact that i still hate kids.
freaking kids.

Posted by: Poofy May 21 2006, 01:14 PM

<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER

Posted by: acid May 24 2006, 04:56 AM

i think phil should tell his joke :rofl:

Posted by: axxzi May 24 2006, 04:57 AM

QUOTE(Poofy @ May 21 2006, 05:14 AM) [snapback]2400[/snapback]
<cassius_clay13> so I was with my friend bryan the other night in a bar
<cassius_clay13> well he got really drunk and said he was gonna puke
<cassius_clay13> so i helped him walk to the toilet
<cassius_clay13> all the stalls were occupied
<emoti_conartist> lol
<cassius_clay13> bryan is a rugby player... so a big guy
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking KICKS one of the stall doors open
<cassius_clay13> and there's this guy in there taking a shit
<emoti_conartist> hahahahahaha
<cassius_clay13> and bryan throws up ALL OVER HIM
<cassius_clay13> then (this is genius) bryan thinks 'oh shit... if i were taking a shit and someone came in and was sick all over me, i'd want to fuck him up... so i'd better hit him first'
<cassius_clay13> so he fucking SMACKS this guy in the face
<cassius_clay13> and runs away
<cassius_clay13> imagine being that guy... WORST NIGHT OUT EVER


heh i saw that one earlier today

Posted by: Poofy May 24 2006, 11:11 AM

<Chucklez|afk> sweet merciful jeesus
<Chucklez|afk> smells like melting plastic in my room
<Ranged> you called?
<Chucklez|afk> I said sweet merciful jesus... not hey dumb little punk bitch
<Ranged> oh
<Ranged> my bad

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD May 24 2006, 03:31 PM

Rooofles

Posted by: Poofy May 24 2006, 10:56 PM

<SD-Washu> i still love the msg i got on my voicemail earlier
<SD-Washu> that was l33t
<biafra> what
<SD-Washu> oh my voicemail msg is in japanese
<SD-Washu> and someone called and the only thing i heard was "what the fuc...."
<SD-Washu> followed by *click*

Posted by: axxzi May 25 2006, 12:16 AM

heh

Posted by: Poofy May 25 2006, 02:18 AM

<delysid-x> the only urine test they'll get out of me is a TASTE TEST

Posted by: axxzi May 25 2006, 04:37 AM

7/10 mildy funny

Posted by: Poofy May 25 2006, 10:51 AM

* snag giggles
<eldee> for a fat guy you giggle alot
<eldee> or are you misspelling jiggle?

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD May 25 2006, 04:59 PM

LOLOOLOL @ THE TASTE ONE

Posted by: acid May 25 2006, 09:15 PM

o rly

Posted by: axxzi May 26 2006, 03:44 AM

hahah

Posted by: Poofy May 26 2006, 07:25 PM

QUOTE(acid @ May 26 2006, 04:40 PM) [snapback]2620[/snapback]
whos the fag editing that post


You are.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Jun 5 2006, 11:47 AM

LAWL!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."

Posted by: Poofy Jun 5 2006, 04:18 PM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Jun 5 2006, 07:47 AM) [snapback]2952[/snapback]
LAWL!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


Boo not funny!



<duk0r> Don't forget kids, the faster you download the bigger your penis is.

Posted by: PhilCollins Jun 5 2006, 04:26 PM

QUOTE
QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Jun 5 2006, 07:47 AM) *

LAWL!

A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: "Excuse me, can you help me? I promised my friend I would meet him half an hour ago, but I don't know where I am."

The man below says: "Yes. You are in a hot air balloon, hovering approximately 30 feet above this field. You are between 40 and 42 degrees N. latitude, and between 58 and 60 degrees W. longitude."

"You must be an engineer" says the balloonist.

"I am" replies the man. "How did you know."

"Well" says the balloonist, "everything you have told me is technically correct, but I have no idea what to make of your information, and the fact is I am still lost."

The man below says "You must be a manager."

"I am" replies the balloonist, "but how did you know?"

"Well", says the man, "you don't know where you are, or where you are going. You have made a promise which you have no idea how to keep, and you expect me to solve your problem. The fact is you are in the exact same position you were in before we met, but now it is somehow my fault."


Boo not funny!


Not funny cause its true lol.

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Jun 5 2006, 08:19 PM

No its funny because it is true...I think...???

Posted by: Poofy Jun 5 2006, 08:52 PM

QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Jun 5 2006, 04:19 PM) [snapback]2968[/snapback]
No its funny because it is true...I think...???


Its not to phil cause he is manager at starbucks and he has to clean up poop, rofl @ phil.


<Jesse> hello, I am Jesse, male, 28 years old, caucasian, and am looking for friends to chat with. I hope to see you online
<Amanda`> I HOPE TO SEE YOU FACE-DOWN IN A QUAGMIRE WITH A NINE IRON LODGED BETWEEN YOUR SHOULDER BLADES

Posted by: hctib Jun 8 2006, 04:56 PM

Ghetto translations:

1.Hotel -
I gave my girlfriend crabs, and the ho tel everybody

2.Dictate -
My girlfriend say my dictate good

3.Foreclose -
If I pay alimony today, I got no money foreclose.

4.Rectum -
I had two Cadillac's, but my bitch rectum both.

5.Disappointment -
My parole officer tol' me if I miss disappointment they gonna send me back to the joint.

6.Undermine -
There's a fine lookin' ho living in the apartment undermine.

7.Stain -
My mother-in-law stopped by and I axed her, "Do you plan on stain for dinner?

8.Fortify -
I axed this ho on da street, "how much?" She say "fortify.

9.Income -
I just got in bed wif da ho and income my wife.

10.Omelette-
I should pop yo ass fo what you jus did, but omelette dis one slide.

Posted by: axxzi Jun 8 2006, 10:23 PM

QUOTE(Poofy @ Jun 5 2006, 12:52 PM) [snapback]2970[/snapback]
Its not to phil cause he is manager at starbucks and he has to clean up poop, rofl @ phil.
<Jesse> hello, I am Jesse, male, 28 years old, caucasian, and am looking for friends to chat with. I hope to see you online
<Amanda`> I HOPE TO SEE YOU FACE-DOWN IN A QUAGMIRE WITH A NINE IRON LODGED BETWEEN YOUR SHOULDER BLADES


who the hell is amanda she has like a billyun quotes on bash =/

Posted by: Poofy Jun 9 2006, 03:50 AM

She is a moderator for bash.

<Amanda> MANY MEN
<Amanda> WISH DEATH UPON ME
<Amanda> I can relate to 50 Cent.
<Guilty> You're both into clubbing
<Amanda> baby seals

Posted by: Poofy Jun 13 2006, 03:09 PM

This one is for phil collins.

<Brenty> You know, I think the media really fucked up when they called it "software piracy"
<Brenty> Everyone WANTS to be a pirate
<Brenty> If they'd called it "software faggotry" everyone would still buy all their shit

Posted by: axxzi Jun 13 2006, 10:37 PM

heh

Posted by: Poofy Jun 25 2006, 02:44 PM

<blazemore> my brother is in a quake3 clan
<blazemore> and he had a ctf game tonight
<blazemore> we were walking out of tilt
<blazemore> his friend goes "dude hurry up, you're gonna be late for you clan meeting"
<blazemore> and these black guys were walking by
<blazemore> and looked like they were about to kick our asses

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Jun 25 2006, 03:34 PM

OLOLOLLOOLOLOLOL!PO lijfsjfsdfjhdhbg ldsgihewr ;likfjvndspoduihrjfvncxljvheedf

Posted by: Poofy Jul 11 2006, 04:23 AM

<quintessential> HOLY SHIT! SOMEONE JUST FIRED A FIRECRACKER ONTO MY BALCNONY
<kuntraver> heh
<quintessential> i should close teh door, but its not a noisy one, its just a sparkler on steroids i tink
<kuntraver> anyhoo, how are the submissions going?
<quintessential> ok, i just uploaded a batch yesterday
<quintessential> wtf
<kuntraver> ?
<quintessential> CRAP MY CAT IS ON FIRE!!!!!!

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Jul 13 2006, 07:00 AM

LOLOLOLOOLOLOLOL!!!!

Posted by: Poofy Jul 13 2006, 08:15 AM

<Dst> revenge is sweet
<Dst> revenge is a dish best served cold
<Dst> ergo; revenge is ice cream
<Joshua> peanut butter is good, boobies are good, therefore boobies are peanut butter
<Dst> i like your twisted logic there
<Joshua> i like boobies.

Posted by: axxzi Jul 13 2006, 04:07 PM

hehehe

Posted by: Poofy Jul 17 2006, 02:57 PM

Rofl!

<BigMac> Omg, My dad?s just died suddenly in hospital?
<BigMac> I?m gonna go see his corpse in the morgue?
<Pleston> I doubt that.
<BigMac> What?
<Pleston> Well, firstly, any person would go see their father BEFORE mourning to us about it.
<Pleaston> Secondly, I remember your other father dying about two weeks ago, on another chat.
** BigMac has quit (quit: Stfu)
<Pleaston> Thought so

Posted by: axxzi Jul 17 2006, 04:52 PM

aw

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Jul 17 2006, 09:47 PM

LOL

Posted by: Poofy Jul 30 2006, 03:45 AM

* Digi disconnects
<Eliza> you're still here
* Digi has disconnected
<Eliza> you're still here
* Digi has disconnected
<Eliza> you're still here
* Digi has disconnected
<Digi> I HAVE DISCONNECTED DAMMIT D:



(sean__) i want to call you with my cell phone whats your #
(@Pain`) (911)-323-4155
(sean__) dude you made me call the cops what the fuck

Posted by: Lefty Aug 19 2006, 01:02 AM

Saw this on Jay Leno's show smile.gif

A little 6 year old genuis kid (who's asian wub.gif ) named Mark [something] was interviewed.

Mark: Will you remember me next week?
Jay: Yes
Mark: Will you remember me next month?
Jay: Yes
Mark: Will you remember me next a year?
Jay: Yes
Mark: Knock Knock.
Jay: Who's there?
Mark: See! You forgot me already!!


cute kid :]

Posted by: Poofy Aug 19 2006, 02:12 AM

ROFL! That kid is leet!


<timmo> and it involves a girl named bertha
<timmo> WHO WOULD SUBJECT THEIR DAUGHTER TO THE HORRORS OF THAT NAME
<timmo> 'this is my daughter bertha, she eats villages'



<Ouroboros> Has anyone ever logged into dev0n's FTP?
<Affe> ouro: that some kind of sexual innuendo?
<xpander> is that a euphemism?
<Ouroboros> Possibly
<Ouroboros> Shhh
<Ouroboros> I try to be subtle about these things.
<Affe> in that case, i 'log into dev0ns ftp' all the time
<Ouroboros> Yeah, she gave me her "login" but she won't reply to my "/msgs"
<Affe> dude i had 'sex' with her in the 'butt' the other day
<Affe> oh wait
<Affe> we're being subtle

Posted by: TrueShadow Nov 9 2006, 08:24 PM

rofl that is a funny kid lefty. btw poof, why the hell do you have these random chat logs? unless you made them up for the joke :big_boss:

Posted by: Poofy Nov 9 2006, 08:33 PM

QUOTE(TrueShadow @ Nov 9 2006, 04:24 PM) [snapback]5436[/snapback]
rofl that is a funny kid lefty. btw poof, why the hell do you have these random chat logs? unless you made them up for the joke :big_boss:


bash.org

go to it and click the top 100 at the top and read them. Some of them are fucking funny.

Posted by: Hellz:) Jan 10 2007, 10:36 PM

there was a rabbit and a bear in the forest and they stumble upon a magic lamp... so they both rub it and a genie comes out and says that he will grant them both 3 wishes... so the bear says ight i wish that i was the only male bear in the forest... the genie says okay done... so now it is the rabbits turn and he says... i would like a bike plz... the genie looks at him and says... out of all the things in the world u only want a bike?? the rabbit shakes his head and the genie grants his wish... now its the bears turn again.. he wishes that he was the only male bear in the next forest over... the genie grants his wish... now it it the rabbits turm... the rabbit says i want a bike helmet... the genie looks at him and says.... out of all the things in the world you only want a helmet???? the rabbit shakes his head yes and the genie grants the wish... now it is the bears turn again.. the bear says i wish i was the only male bear in the whole wide world... the genie grants the wish and then the rabbit says ... i wish he was gay.. and rides away

Posted by: Lefty Jan 10 2007, 10:54 PM

ROFL!
*and just rides away*
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL

Posted by: Poofy Jan 11 2007, 11:41 AM

Bunnies can fucking run they dont need bikes to get away ohmy.gif.


MUAHAHAHAH

Posted by: F1rE Jan 11 2007, 02:57 PM

wow that was a good one poofy

Posted by: Poofy Jan 12 2007, 01:28 AM

Hahah I know it sucks. But I wanted to put one up and it was right before I went to school and it was the only one I could find so FU.


Not to mention it was slightly more funny when I was too tired to think properly. So, its gone!

Posted by: PhilCollins Feb 10 2007, 03:33 PM

Knock knock.

Posted by: Poofy Feb 10 2007, 09:51 PM

Mmmk, I'll play.

Who's there?

Posted by: `Sakura Feb 12 2007, 05:48 AM

<i8b4uUnderground> d-_-b
<BonyNoMore> how u make that inverted b?
<BonyNoMore> wait
<BonyNoMore> never mind

Posted by: Poofy Feb 12 2007, 12:14 PM

<ChikBRB> My bagle bites tray had fuckin 10 bites
<ChikBRB> they usually have nine
<ChikBRB> THEIR LOSS HAHA
<Guilty> Wow thats quite a find
<Guilty> The gods have truely smiled upon you

Posted by: Poofy Mar 4 2007, 01:14 AM

<NaStyChoC> hey babe asl?
<sweetangelic> hi, 14/f/aus ^^
<NaStyChoC> ive a real big cock..
<sweetangelic> o how big??
<NaStyChoC> 9in
<sweetangelic> dats prty big, mines only 8
<NaStyChoC> ok
<NaStyChoC> wait wtf

Posted by: Lefty Mar 4 2007, 01:36 AM

LOL

Posted by: tench Apr 12 2007, 02:40 AM

There was this really fat guy that wanted to lose weight but no matter what diet he tried, nothing worked.. well one day, as he was reading the paper, he saw an ad that said LOSE AS MUCH WEIGHT AS YOU WANT FOR ONLY $1 A POUND. he gets excited and calls the number provided and tells them he wants to lose 10 pounds. well they tell him that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. the next morning the door bell rings and he opens the door to find a really hot blonde with a sign on her chest - "if you catch me you can have me"- and the blonde runs off. well the fat guy started chasing her, and after a while he caught her and they had sex. after she left, he checked his wieght and saw that he lost the ten pounds. so the next day he calls and says he wants to lose 20 pounds. same thing happens. he chases the hot blonde, catches her and in the processes loses 20 pounds. well he decides that the 30 pounds he lost so far are not enough so he calls them and tells them that he wants to lose 50 pounds. the person on the other line asks him " sir are you sure? thats too much weight to be lost all at once." and he replies " hell ya im sure" so they say that they will send a representitive over to his house the next morning. the next morning he wakes up to the ringing door bell. excited about losing more wieght and screwing a hot chick, he jumps out of the bed, opens the door and finds himself face to face with a HUGE gorilla. and the gorilla has a sign on its chest. " if i catch you, ill fuck the shit out of you"

Posted by: PrincessPinkPony Apr 14 2007, 07:22 AM

What do you say when you see a TV floating in the dark?

- Drop it nigga!

Posted by: PhilCollins Apr 14 2007, 03:28 PM

Did you hear that they are going to be using a green ball this football season?

Posted by: Poofy Apr 14 2007, 04:37 PM

QUOTE(PhilCollins @ Apr 14 2007, 11:28 AM) [snapback]8640[/snapback]
Did you hear that they are going to be using a green ball this football season?


LAWL

Posted by: Kirate Apr 15 2007, 03:44 PM

<HolyViper7>: im confused as to how i'm still allowed to breathe the same oxygen as other human beings. i just bought some tic tacs, and most of em are gone... and you know how some tic tacs get like, stuck? well, see, i didnt wanna make too much noise so i put the tic tac container in my lap and i hit the container. it was then i realized i had testicles. it was quite painful

Posted by: Lefty Apr 15 2007, 04:59 PM

LOL WHAT THE?

Posted by: Viva_La_BAD Apr 23 2007, 12:44 AM

Little Johnny went up to his father and asked him, "Dad, what is the difference between potentially and realistically?"
The father thought for a moment, then answered, "Go ask your mother if she would sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars. Then ask your sister if she would sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars, and ask your brother if he'd sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars. Come back and tell me what you learn from that."
So little Johnny went to his mother and asked "Would you sleep with Robert Redford for a million dollars?" The mother replied, "Of course I would! I wouldn't pass up an opportunity like that."
Johnny then went to his sister and asked, "Would you sleep with Brad Pitt for a million dollars?" The girl replied, "Oh absolutely, I'd just love to do that! I'd do it for free!"
Then he went to his brother and asked, "Would you sleep with Tom Cruise for a million dollars?" "Of course," the brother replied. "Do you know how much a million could buy?"
Johnny pondered that for a few days, then went back to his dad. His father asked him, "Did you find out the difference between potentially and realistically?
Little Johnny replied, "Yes, sir. Potentially, we're sitting on three million dollars, but realistically, we're living with two sluts and a fag.

Posted by: Lefty Apr 28 2007, 02:12 PM

http://imgs.xkcd.com/comics/join_myspace.png

Posted by: Poofy Apr 29 2007, 02:45 PM

http://explosm.net/comics/884/


Posted by: Trixst4r Oct 19 2007, 04:51 AM

wanna hear a joke?















ODIN

Posted by: Trixst4r Oct 19 2007, 05:02 AM

yo momma so fat she sat on a rainbow and skittles popped out
you so stupid you got hit by a parked car
yo momma so poor when I ring the doorbell I hear the toilet flush
yo momma so fat her nickname is "DAMN"
yo momma so fat when shes hungry, we took her to macdonalds and it sounded like a phone number when she ordered

Posted by: acidxdropper Oct 19 2007, 06:33 AM

Once upon a time there was a rabbit who tried to cross a railroad. Before crossing, he looked both ways to make sure no train was coming. After making sure, he began to cross the railroad. As he was about to take his last step off of the tracks, he noticed that something was pulling on him. Something was preventing him from crossing. He soon realized that the end of his tail was caught in the track. He tried all his might to get his tail loose, but it wouldn't budge. Then, from the horizon the rabbit heard the train. He tried everything he could to get the tail loose, but to no avail. The train was getting closer and closer, and the rabbit became irrational, trying to chew through the tracks. SQUISH was the sound it made when the train drove over the rabbit, decapitating his head off. Moral of the story? Don't lose your head over a piece of tail.

Posted by: Trixst4r Oct 20 2007, 07:09 AM

A couple young, entrepreneurial prostitutes were riding around town with a sign on the top of their car that read: “Two Prostitutes - $50.00.” A police officer, seeing the sign, pulled the ladies over and advised that they will have to remove the sign or go to jail.

Right about that time a minivan passed by with a sign on the side of it that read: “Jesus Saves.” “How come you don’t stop them?!” asked one of the girls. “Well, that’s a little different,” the officer replied… “their sign pertains to religion.”

The two ladies of the night pouted a bit, but they took their sign down and drove off peacefully. The following day the same police officer was running radar when he noticed the same two young ladies driving around with another sign on their car. Figuring he had an easy arrest, he flipped his lights on and began to catch up when he noticed the what the new sign read:

“Two Fallen Angels Seeking Peter - $50.00.”

Posted by: Trixst4r Oct 31 2007, 12:32 AM

who loves chuck norris

chuck norris doesnt read books. he stares them doen until he gets the information he needs.
chuck norris is the reason why Waldo is hiding.
when chuck norris does pushups, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the earth down.
In the Bible, Jesus turned water into wine. But then Chuck Norris turned that wine into beer.
Chuck Norris does not teabag the ladies. He potato-sacks them.
How much wood would a woodchuck chuck if a woodchuck could Chuck Norris? ...All of it.

theres a bunch but i only can remember so many

Posted by: TrueShadow Oct 31 2007, 07:58 PM

lawl.....if only i read your joke earlier acid... i didn't lose my head, but that's all i got from a piece of tail b/c of another piece of tail...

Posted by: Poofy Oct 31 2007, 09:31 PM

QUOTE(Trixst4r @ Oct 30 2007, 08:32 PM) [snapback]10001[/snapback]
when chuck norris does pushups, he isnt lifting himself up, hes pushing the earth down.


Technically that's true. I learned about it in physics.

Posted by: Trixst4r Oct 31 2007, 09:49 PM

LOL

Posted by: acidxdropper Nov 1 2007, 05:51 AM

Chuck Norris has a fist under his beard

Posted by: Trixst4r Nov 1 2007, 10:38 AM

chuck norris takes a blood bath

Posted by: Poofy Nov 1 2007, 11:03 AM

Chuck Norris' tears cure cancer, too bad he's never cried.

Chuck Norris sold his soul to the devil for his rugged good looks and unparalleled martial arts ability. Shortly after the transaction was finalized, Chuck roundhouse kicked the devil in the face and took his soul back. The devil, who appreciates irony, couldn't stay mad and admitted he should have seen it coming. They now play poker every second Wednesday of the month.

Posted by: Trixst4r Nov 4 2007, 05:01 AM

Some people wear Superman pajamas. Superman wears Chuck Norris pajamas.
A high tide means Chuck Norris is flying over your coast. The tide is caused by God pissing his pants.
Chuck Norris can slam a revolving door.
Hellen Keller's favorite color is Chuck Norris.

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