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> Joke Section, put all ur good jokes in here :)

 
DuFF
post Mar 16 2006, 06:07 PM
Post #1


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Basically decided to make a thread about JOKES !!!! lol,

Post ur fav jokes in here, 1 post per joke please so people can read the jokes easily. smile.gif

i'll go first :

A jelly baby goes to the STD clinic, and complains to the doctor of having a really bad rash around his genitals.

The doctor asks him to go around the back of the curtains so that he can inspect him further.

The doctor joins him, and begins to inspect the area of concern.

"Oh my word, it appears that you have some form of desiccant coconut and pink and blue bobbles all over your genitals.. what the hell have you been upto??" asked the doctor.

The jelly baby looks all ashamed, "I've been fucking allsorts!"

add some jokes biatches


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acidxdropper
post Mar 16 2006, 06:56 PM
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heres one courtesy of Pulp Fiction

3 tomatoes are walking down a street. papa tomato, moma tomato, and baby tomato. baby tomato begins to fall behind and papa tomato gets mad. papa tomoato goes back to baby tomato, squishes him, and says "catch up"


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Poofy
post Mar 16 2006, 08:46 PM
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- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
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- If you are known as Viva_La_Bad don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up
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Viva_La_BAD
post Mar 16 2006, 10:03 PM
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QUOTE(Poofy @ Mar 16 2006, 03:46 PM) [snapback]594[/snapback]
- If you are obsessive-compulsive, press 1 repeatedly.
- If you are co-dependent, please ask someone to press 2 for you.
- If you have multiple personalities, press 3, 4, 5, and 6.
- If you are paranoid, we know who you are and what you want. Stay on the line so we can trace your call.
- If you are delusional, press 7 and your call will be transferred to the mother ship.
- If you are schizophrenic, listen carefully and a small voice will tell you which number to press.
- If you are a manic-depressive, it doesn't matter which number you press, no one will answer.
- If you are dyslexic, press 9696969696969696.
- If you have a nervous disorder, please fidget with the pound key until a representative comes on the line.
- If you have amnesia, press 8 and state your name, address, telephone number, date of birth, social security number, and your mother's maiden name.
- If you have post-traumatic stress disorder, s-l-o-w-l-y and c-a-r-e-f-u-l-l-y press 0 0 0.
- If you have bipolar disorder, please leave a message after the beep, or before the beep, or after the beep. Please wait for the beep.
- If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9. If you have short-term memory loss, press 9.
- If you have low self-esteem, please hang up. All operators are too busy to talk to you.
- If you are known as Viva_La_Bad don't press any buttons, you'll just screw it up


Fuck you poof a loop!


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Poofy
post Mar 16 2006, 10:23 PM
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There?s a shipwreck and only two men and a woman survive. They get washed up on an idyllic, but uninhabited desert island with next to no hope of rescue.

Eventually nature takes its course and both men begin a physical relationship with the woman. Love is in the air and all is well until she is suddenly taken ill and dies.

After a while sexual frustration gets to the men and once again nature takes its inevitable course.

Well, some months pass and what the men are doing begins to play on their minds. They become sickened and disgusted by what they are doing.

So they bury her again.
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Viva_La_BAD
post Mar 16 2006, 10:34 PM
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LOL OMG GOOD ONE! ROFLROFL

LOLZ joke websites ftw!

A blind guy on a bar stool shouts to the bartender, "Wanna hear a blonde joke?"

In a hushed voice, the guy next to him says, "Before you tell that joke, you should know something."

Our bartender IS blonde, the bouncer is blonde. I'm a 6' tall, 200 lb black belt. The guy sitting next to me is 6'2", weighs 225, and he's a rugby player. The fella to your right is 6'5" pushing 300 and he's a wrestler. Each one of US is blonde. Think about it, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?"

The blind guy says, "Nah, not if I'm gonna have to explain it five times."


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Poofy
post Mar 16 2006, 11:07 PM
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Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!"
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acidxdropper
post Mar 16 2006, 11:20 PM
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when i called your dad a faggot, he hit me with his purse


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Viva_La_BAD
post Mar 16 2006, 11:45 PM
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QUOTE(Poofy @ Mar 16 2006, 06:07 PM) [snapback]603[/snapback]
Two guys are out having lunch. The first guy says, "Man, I really screwed up with my wife yesterday. We were coming back from our vacation, and there was this GORGEOUS blonde behind the counter at the train station. What I MEANT to say was, 'I'd like to tickets to Pittsburgh', but what I REALLY said was 'I'd like two pickets to titsburgh'. My wife got really pissed."
The second guy says, "Yeah, I know what you mean. The other day my wife and I were having breakfast. What I MEANT to say was, 'Could you please pass the Post Toasties', but what I REALLY said was, 'YOU'RE RUINING MY LIFE YOU FUCKING WHORE!!!!"



LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


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Poofy
post Mar 16 2006, 11:48 PM
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QUOTE(Viva_La_BAD @ Mar 16 2006, 11:45 PM) [snapback]605[/snapback]
LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL HOLY SHIT THATS FUCKIN HILARIOUS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! LOL!!!!!!

A woman was standing in a crowded lift of the hotel she was staying in. When a man got in and accidentally elbowed her in the breast. The man said, "I'm sorry! But if your heart is as soft as your tit, you'll forgive me." so the woman replies, "If your dick is as hard as your elbow then I am staying in room 113."


OMFG AHAHAHHAHAHAH


Okay, so there's this bus full of ugly people. I don't know why it was full of ugly people, and only ugly people, but it was; not a single person on the bus had ever had anyone attracted to them. So, the bus is just going along, and the driver fucks up or something, and runs head on into an oncoming truck. Everyone dies, and goes up to meet their maker. Well, God feels sorry for them all, and decides to grant them each one wish before they enter paradise. So they're in a big line in front of the gates, and he asks the first one what their wish is. After thinking a few seconds, she says: "I want to be gorgeous." Now the next person hears this, and starts freakin' out. He thinks it's the greatest thing ever, and wishes to be handsome. This continues on, everyone wishing to be beautiful/stud-like/etcetera, until the line is about half gone. Then the guy at the end starts cracking up, laughing his ass off, and God casts an eye at him, thinking: "What the hell?", but does nothing about it, and lets the same wish continue on. Now, when there's about 10 left, the guy is going NUTS. He's rolling around on the clouds laughing as hard as possible, and God is just wondering wtf is up. So he finally gets to the guy, and asks what his wish is. The guy calms down, stands up, and says:

"Make 'em all ugly again."
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Viva_La_BAD
post Mar 16 2006, 11:52 PM
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OMFG THAT IS THE FUNNIEST THING I'VE EVER HEARD IN MY LIFE. THATS SOMETHING ILL WOULD DO BECAUSE HES SO COLD HEARTED AND MEAN!!!

Anyways, heres my joke, it was funnier before I read Poofy's but now it seems GAY. And props to duff for starting this awesome thread lolz!



A mother found her son scooping ice cream in the kitchen and was mad.

Mom : "Dinner is going to be ready in an hour, put that ice cream away and go play."

Son : "But mom, there's no one to play with."

Mom : "I'll play with you, what do you wanna play?"

Son : "Lets play mommy and daddy, you go upstairs and lay down on the bed."

The mom said ok and went upstairs. The son put on his dad's fishing hat and lit up one of his dad's cigarettes. He went upstairs and opened the door.

Mom : "Now what do I do?"

Son : "Get your ass out of bed, you whore, and fix that kid some fucking ice cream."


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Poofy
post Mar 16 2006, 11:55 PM
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Three tortoises, Mick, Alan and Les, decide to go on a picnic.
So Mick packs the picnic basket with beer and sandwiches.
The trouble is the picnic site is ten miles away so it takes them ten days to get there.

When they get there Mick unpacks the food and beer. 'Ok Les give me the bottle opener, 'I didn't bring it' says Les. 'I thought you packed it'.
Mick gets worried, he turns to Alan, 'Did you bring the bottle opener?? Naturally Alan didn't bring it. So they're stuck ten miles from home without a bottle opener.

Mick and Alan beg Les to go back for it. But he refuses as he says they will eat all the sandwiches. After two hours, and after they have sworn on their tortoise lives that they will not eat the sandwiches, he finally agrees. So Les sets off down the road at a steady pace.

20 days pass and he still isn't back and Mick and Alan are starving, but a promise is a promise.

Another 5 days and he still isn't back, but a promise is a promise. Finally they can't take it any longer so they take out a sandwich each, and just as they are about to eat it, Les pops up from behind a rock and shouts........

"I KNEW IT...I'M NOT FUCKING GOING!"
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acidxdropper
post Mar 16 2006, 11:57 PM
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stop posting fucken short stories, too long to read. one liners plz, thx :new_russian:


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"ukulele ?: now im no expert , but that looks just like a small guitar to me ?"



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Viva_La_BAD
post Mar 17 2006, 12:00 AM
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LOLOLOOLOLOOLOLOL! WHAT A DUMBASS!!!!!!


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Sistruris
post Mar 17 2006, 12:02 AM
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lol its funny but it does get 2 long ta read =/. Tha one from where he wishes everyone ta be ugly i think is good tho lol
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Montydj
post Mar 17 2006, 12:07 AM
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The Sad life of a Penis.....

I've only got one eye,my hair is a mess,my relatives are nuts,my neigbour's an arsehole,my best friend's a cunt and my owners a wanker! :rofl:


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Sistruris
post Mar 17 2006, 12:08 AM
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LOL o shit i neva even thought of dat lol :clapping: . o sup monty =D
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Montydj
post Mar 17 2006, 12:11 AM
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Sup Buddy smile.gif


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MONTY & DEVITO B2B 30TH MAY HERBAL SESSIONS THE SYNDICATE BLACKPOOL

YouTube - Monty Scratching

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Poofy
post Mar 17 2006, 01:04 AM
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I will post what I want. If you guys are to lazy to fucking read a paragraph or two its not my fault.
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Viva_La_BAD
post Mar 17 2006, 01:05 AM
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LOL! Nice one Montay!!

QUOTE(acid @ Mar 16 2006, 06:57 PM) [snapback]611[/snapback]
stop posting fucken short stories, too long to read. one liners plz, thx :new_russian:


One liners are rarely funny...the long stories are where its at.


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