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> The Chili

 
Trixst4r
post Jan 18 2009, 10:30 PM
Post #1


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Posts: 551
Joined: 6-July 07
From: Columbus, GA
Member No.: 192
Xfire: must4rd

> > > Subject: THE CHILI
> > >
> > > If you don't laugh until you cry, you
> have a problem. Excuse the language
>
> > format but this is about a guy.
> > >
> > > I don't eat much chili, especially
> w/lots of peppers, but this is a
> > > hilariously written story.
> > >
> > > I went grocery shopping recently while not
> being altogether sure that
> > > course of action was a wise one. You see,
> the previous evening I had
> > > prepared and consumed a massive quantity of
> my patented 'You're
> > > definitely going to $h!t yourself'
> chili. Tasty stuff, albeit hot to the point of
> > > being painful, which comes with a written
> guarantee from me that if you
> > > eat the next day both of your ***** cheeks
> WILL fall off.
> > >
> > > Here's the thing. I had awakened that
> morning, and even after two
cups
> > > of coffee (and all of you know what I mean)
> nothing happened. No 'Watson's
> > > Movement 2'. Despite habanera peppers
> swimming their way through my
> > > intestinal tract, I appeared to be unable
> to create the usual morning
> > > symphony referred to by my next door
> neighbors as thunder and lightning.
> > >
> > > Knowing that a time of reckoning had to
> come, yet not sure of just
> > > when, I bravely set off for the market; a
> local Wal-Mart grocery store
> > > that I often haunt in search of tasty
> tidbits.
> > > Upon entering the store at first all seemed
> normal. I selected a cart
> > > and began pushing it about dropping items
> in for purchase. It wasn't
> > > until I was at the
opposite end of the
> store from the restrooms that
> > > the pain hit me.
> > >
> > > Oh, don't look at me like you don't
> know what I'm talking about. I'm
> > > referring to that 'Uh oh, gotta go'
> pain that always seems to hit us at the
> > > wrong time. The thing is, this pain was
> different.
> > >
> > > The habaneras in the chili from the night
> before were staging a revolt.
> > > In a mad rush for freedom they bullied
> their way through the small
> > > intestines, forcing their way into the
> large intestines, and before I could
> > > take one step in the direction of the
> restrooms which would bring sweet
> > > relief, it happened. The peppers fired a
> warning shot.
> > > There I
stood, alone in the spice and
> baking aisle, suddenly enveloped
> > > in a noxious cloud the likes of which has
> never before been recorded. I
> > > was afraid to move for fear that more of
> this vile odor might escape me.
> > > Slowly, oh so slowly, the pressure seemed
> to leave the lower part of my
> > > body, and I began to move up the aisle and
> out of it, just as an elderly
> > > woman turned into it.
> > >
> > > I don't know what made me do it, but I
> stopped to see what her reaction
> > > would be to the malodorous effluvium that
> refused to dissipate, as she
> > > walked into it unsuspecting. Have you ever
> been torn in two different
> > > directions emotionally? Here's what I
> mean, and I'm sure some of you
at
> > > least will be able to relate.
> > >
> > > I could've warned that poor woman but
> didn't. I simply watched as she
> > > walked into an invisible, and apparently
> indestructible, wall of odor so
> > > terrible that all she could do before
> gathering her senses and running,
> > > was to stand there blinking and waving her
> arms about her head as
> > > though trying to ward off angry bees. This,
> of course, made me feel
> > > terrible, but then made me laugh. Mistake.
> > >
> > > Here's the thing. When you laugh,
> it's hard to keep things 'clamped
> > > down', if you know what I mean. With
> each new guffaw an explosive
> > > issue burst forth from my nether region.
> Some were so loud and
echoing
> > > that I was later told a few folks in other
> aisles had ducked, fearing that
> > > someone was robbing the store and firing
> off a shotgun.
> > >
> > > Suddenly things were no longer funny. IT
> was coming, and I raced off
> > > through the store towards the restrooms,
> laying down a cloud the whole
> > > way, praying that I'd make it before
> the grand mal assplosion took place.
> > > Luck was on my side. Just in the nick of
> time I got to the john, began
> > > the inevitable 'Oh my God',
> floating above the toilet seat because my *** is
> > > burning SO BAD, purging. One poor fellow
> walked in while I was in the
> > > middle of what is the true meaning of
> 'Shock and Awe'. He made a gagging
> >
> sound, and disgustedly said,
> 'Sonofabitch!', then quickly left.
> > >
> > > Once finished I left the restroom,
> reacquired my partially filled cart
> > > intending to carry on with my shopping when
> a store employee approached
> > > me and said, 'Sir, you might want to
> step outside for a few minutes. It
> > > appears some prankster set off a stink bomb
> in the store. The manager is
> > > going to run the vent fans on high for a
> minute or two which ought to take
> > > care of the problem.'
> > >
> > > That of course set me off again, causing
> residual gases to escape me.
> > > The employee took one sniff, jumped back
> pulling his shirt up to cover
> > > his nose and, pointing at me in an
accusing
> manner shouted, 'IT'S YOU!',
> > > then ran off returning moments later with
> the manager. I was
> > > unceremoniously escorted from the premises
> and asked none too kindly
> > > not to return.
> > >
> > > Home again without having shopped, I
> realized that there was nothing to
> > > eat but leftover chili, so I consumed two
> more bowls. The next day I
> > > went to shop at Kroger's. I can't
> say anymore about that because we
> > > are in court over the whole matter.
> Bastards claim they're going to have to
> > > repaint the store..


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